The Ten Most Baffling UK Number One Singles in History Part 2/2

Here is part two of the list, where things plummet downhill very quickly.

5: There's No-one Quite like Grandma – St Winifred's School Choir (1980)

What?

Now this is more familiar territory for a list like this – a terrible one hit wonder from the 1980s, featuring a child choir. I'll try not to go too deeply in with this song, helped by the fact that since it's a very childish and innocuous song, there isn't really much to read into. The strange production, forwarded by synth strings so awful the song sounds like a failing student's submission in their “Introduction to Sibelius” class, sounds really quite sinister alongside the naturalistic sound of the children's singing, other than the one girl who actually got the main solo part, who's strange voice utterly frightens me, though that might just be undeveloped vocal chords or something. The two contrasting components would be fine on their own, but together it makes the song feel incredibly empty and devoid of anything, like the dead skin of a meaningful song draped over a robot.

And yet it managed to knock the late great John Lennon (who had just died in a high profile tragic occurrence not three months prior) off the chart. How?

Most Ridiculous Part?

The Top of the Pops performance, which seems to tie with the original Ringu for the most frightening video involving children to ever be distributed to the masses.

Why?

It's kitchy, badly made with not particularly talented singers and songwriters, of course it was going to be a hit in the early 80s! It was a very very cheesy song with a big sentiment, which meant it was always going to be a number one hit, and chances are a ton of grandmothers got this unwanted ode as a present that year. But why this song, with this choir and that awful production, I will never know.

4: Can the Can – Suzi Quatro (2004)

What?

Oh, I'm not going to make any fans for this...

So we have Suzi Quatro, rock music's (and to a big degree feminism's) dirty little secret. I'll start with the positives of her. She was indeed the first female to be involved in rock music at a high level as an instrumentalist and not just a singer, as well as the first female rock artists to get a number one single, making her an early icon for feminism and inclusivity in the very very masculine genre of rock. Her work after her initial run of success showed genuine improvement, and even now, 40 years or so after her initial hit, she's still performing. Um... she looked really good in a catsuit?

But all of this can't really get around the fact that her initial hit singles, Devil Gate Drive, 48 Crash and especially Can the Can are utterly appalling uninspired rock songs from the early explosion of the genre. This was 1973, when progressive rock and heavy metal was beginning to explode and get increasingly sophisticated and technical, and Can the Can smacked of uninspired blues-based three chord rock and roll, with very very little to set it apart from its contemporaries. Quatro herself plays bass at a very elementary level, playing nothing more than simple root notes, which in this sort of song doesn't really matter all that much. This kind of relatively unintrusive music is resigned to the background, in order to not distract from Quatro's vocals: a convention you typically see in pop music.

Speaking of

Most Ridiculous Part?

The Lyrics. The entirety of them. Most people tend to mock the chorus for it's utter nonsense, but the lyrics get worse the more you understand them. Before I go into the lyrics, I would be hasty to not point out that in a lot of circles Quatro is considered a feminist icon for being the first female instrumentalist with major commercial success in her own right, which paved the way for more female instrumentalists, band leaders (like Blondie and Joan Jett) and proof yet again that women could succeed in a man's world.

However, the lyrics, penned by Quatro and two male songwriters prove that music was still very much a man's world, as the song is about getting a boyfriend and getting him to stick around, that is if he wants to. That's what “Can the Can” means, doing the impossible and getting him to stick around, which I suppose in the early swinging seventies was tricky to do.

Essentially the verses discuss the dangers of other females in the family, which could be read figuratively (as in all the mother and sister figures) and literally. It plays to the stereotypes of the disapproving matriarchal battleaxe in the first verse, the metaphorical Tiger, protective of her young and fiercely retaliating against any perceived threat, such as the boyfriend eagle who flies in the sky (high high!), a somewhat obvious double entendre or being both a free spirit and a stoner. The strange pre-chorus refrain “Scratch out her eyes” could be implying to surprise her and stand by your boyfriend, but it seems oddly violent, and the use of feline imagery and the notion of cat fighting over a man has not gone unnoticed, and only gets worse in the second verse.

The second verse of course, which implies that any woman who isn't moralising and matriarchal is a direct threat to your relationship, an evil harlot who will take your boyfriend “without a fight.”

Essentially, the “feminist icon” is singing that other women are the enemy, a man is so valued and treasured to your identity you should mutilate other women to keep him and that it's not a man's fault if he's adulterous, it's the fault of the women who tempt him. For the seventies admittedly, that is progressive, but in hindsight it didn't really do that many favours.

Why?

It was an easy gimmick. Put a girl in a leather catsuit, stick a bass on there and boom, mass market appeal! She had an air of danger but not too much to put off really white-bred types, playing the rock stereotype very safely and singing essentially something like “Baby Love” or the typical female singer fare of the time, just playing a bass at the same time. My bafflement is why this song? Why this song with its awful premise and really clumsy lyrics? Answers to these questions are beyond me, but at least its crimes are just clumsy metaphors, it's not like it's outright misogynistic is it?

3: Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) – Eamon/F.U.R.B. (Fuck You Right Back) – Frankee (2004)

What?

Sometimes it's wonderful doing the research for this list, you get to hear all these lost gems that had their day in the limelight then sunk like a stone, you see that some artists who deserved hits did get them and some utter shocks now and then.

Unfortunately, then you get to 2004 and realised that this stupid feud dominated the charts for seven weeks.

This is going to take quite a bit of explanation as to why I have two songs in the same spot, both by artists you've never heard of. The short version is one is the answer song to the other and both are essentially the same song, so I counted both. The longer answer is significantly so. Are you sitting comfortably?

In 2005, Eamon came onto the pop scene with a new sound he dubbed Ho-Wop, which was new and unique and combined gritty hip hop with a smooth R&B vocal styling. Now, I suspect his claims of originality are suspect, since the late Princess of R&B Aaliyah was making music several years before that which fit the definition and actually were an influence on various artists that combined Hip Hop and R&B such as Drake, but that's not where this song falls down.

Nor in fact does it fall down on its controversial lyrics. Well, I'm not sure if controversial is the right word for the levels of juvenile dialogue you hear in his work. The song contains 33 expletives, the most in any number one single, and as you may expect the topic of the song (a break up song based on infidelity, believe it or not) isn't exactly explored with much meditation. Or dignity. No, the song falls down because it's awful, with an anaemic beat, a really underwhelming singer and incredibly clumsy lyrics. And usually here the story would end, the song would get maybe a little stint in the top 10 for having the word “Fuck” in the title and then it would just go away,and I would be happy.

Then of course came the answer song, Frankees F.U.R.B. What does FURB mean? Fuck you right back of course! And this is where the bad bitter mean spiritedness takes a turn, and you realise you're listening to a row between two inherently repellant people. He has serious issues with women and acts like a 14 year old with his largely incoherent whiny lyrics, while she is an unfaithful sociopath who, while righteously pissed about this not being settled in a room or some angry Bebo posts rather than being part of the biggest selling song in the UK in April 2004 (along with anyone with ears) took this rage to an extreme level, actually saying that the infidelity she did doesn't matter, because “it's [his] fault somehow!”

Somehow, I don't feel entirely sympathetic to either, and rather than feel intrigued about what kind of situation could have caused such a one-in-a-million occurrence, I just wanted them to go away. Which they didn't for another month after.

Most Ridiculous Part?

That, get this! Eamon and Frankee didn't actually date each other and this relationship was an elaborate publicity stunt! Wow, that was such a twist it's like the forces of the cosmos are just fucking with us today aren't they? Seriously, people actually bought that the two of them were an item, mostly because the idiots who genuinely enjoyed the song wanted to believe it was true, helped by Frankee having an Eamon lookalike in the music video, to add to the cash in potent-I mean adding to the emotional crippling, as we see Frankee righteously react to accusations of infidelity in such a dignified fashion!

Why?

Both artists were complete unknowns, with barely a hint of buzz about them, and judging by their efforts no reason to. Initially Eamon's song was a hit because having the F-bomb in the title is a pretty unsubtle way to drum up controversy, which of course creates cash. You can't build controversy purely on the f-word though, so Frankee's associates came in and created the idea of a feud between the two, which appealed on many levels, pandering to the worst stereotypes, and dividing audiences between misogynists and misandrists, appealing to their basest misconceptions (all women are whores who want your money vs the key to female independence is to use all within your path) in order to drum up sales, making this a pseudo-competition between men and women. And in fact, that aspect of it is probably the only part of these two abominable wastes of music that actually had any thought put into them.

2: I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair) – Sandi Thom (2007)

What?

An embodiment of absolutely everything I hate about music, that's fucking what! This is not going to be the same kind of entry as the last eight, because while I'm not a fan of their gimmicks or the fact they're not very good, they're usually either too good or innocuous enough to not be worthy of my contempt. Even the Crazy Frog, something I hate from every possible conceptual level, I at least respect the particular song the frog bing baaarped to. This is on a whole nother level, and is probably up there as one of my least favourite songs in existence. I'll usually give everything a chance, even things technically worse than this, but this song. This fucking song! Right, I've got to explain where I come from this song before I can get into it.

Right, one of the things that annoys me more than anything else is nostalgic mania, nostalgia pretty close to its initial medical definition. Where people long for the past despite never experiencing it and having very little knowledge of what the past was actually like to live in. So, I'm fine with songs like Summer of 69 and The Boys of Summer, which talk about the past from a relative standpoint; they don't miss the time period but the experiences and people that were in it.

You might start to see my issue with Thom's single.

Written as a response to her getting her mobile phone stolen (that's actually the story behind it) this entitled cretin then wrote this screed with the idea that “the hippies wouldn't let this happen”, neglecting the fact that hippies do not care about unnecessary possessions and generally were the minority, also the fact that the punks hated hippies and kicked the shit out of them. The faux-k song has no actual instrumental melody, completely held by Thom's insufferably smug vocals and a thumping drum section that I think is designed to give me a migraine. In terms of production, vocals or lyricism, there is nothing redeemable about this song; it is utterly, utterly worthless. Even the premise, that she wishes that she was back in the eras of free love and fake anarchy were back because that would make the world magically better and she'd be better in it. Except her music is dreadful and would never get even a passing mention in the era of Woodstock and Isle of Wight, and she'd probably get glassed in the London punk scene.

Most Ridiculous Part:

The lyrics, every single painful word of them. In fact I hate the lyrics so much that I am going to analyse this song line by agonising line, to show you what this song sounds like in my head.

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
(Well, I think The Automatic said it more succinctly than I could about how much shit would be kicked out of her if she went to a punk gig with flowers in her hair)

In seventy-seven and sixty-nine revolution was in the air

(Oh yes, that media-based revolution, where people bought the sex pistols genuinely believing their message of anarchy, or sixty-nine where lots of great music happened, but not that many epoch shifting events.)

I was born too late into a world that doesn't care

(Oh get fucked! This is the main crux of why I don't like nostalgia ballads, because they assume the world suddenly stopped caring an indefinite period after they realised a world existence, by pampered entitled pricks who don't care about the world at all. You get out what you put in in this life!)

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

(Running out of lyrics already?)

When the head of state didn't play guitar
(I've no idea what this is referring to, but in any case, how do you know what musical tastes politicians have when they're off duty? Henry VIII composed Greensleeves after all.)

Not everybody drove a car

(Most still not, another sign of her entitlement complex me thinks. Besides, does this mean she pines for the days when social mobility was a pipe dream?)

When music really mattered and when radio was king

(Wait, did she just say her music doesn't matter? Well she's got me there.)

When accountants didn't have control

(I think they still did, these were the dying days of Keynesian economics after all...)

And the media couldn't buy your soul

(Tell that to the Monkees!)

And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything
(Really? Is this a Luddite Anthem or something? I'd call this utterly stupid but I fear that may be the point!)

When pop stars still remained a myth

(Tell that to the Monkees, and Elvis Presley for that matter)

And ignorance could still be bliss

(Called it! This is a anthem for stupidity!)

And when god saved the queen she turned a whiter shade of pale

(Because she only knows two songs from the Punk and Prog revolutions. Maybe if she heard any more she'd write better lyrics?)

My mom and dad were in their teens

(Well, at least this is relatable to her own life, maybe the first verse and a half was a miste-)

And anarchy was still a dream

(-and back to stupidity we go. Where outside of Syria has anarchy been achieved?)

And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail

(You fuckwit! Even in the sixties there were telephones!)

When record shops were still on top

(Timely, as horrible music like yours began to gain traction through digital means. You hypocrite)

And vinyl was all that they stocked
(What about 4-track and 8-tracks? Sure they were around in the sixties, they were certainly around by seventy seven you idiot!)

And the super info highway was still drifting out in space

(another nonsense Luddite rhyme, because the internet was made by aliens am I right?)

Kids were wearing hand me downs

(Most kids still wear hand-me-downs today, and when they don't, that means recycling and donating clothes have improved exponentially.)

And playing games meant kick arounds
(Oh, so video games are somehow the work of modern evil too right? Unless it's meant to be decrying the sexualisation of society, something that is a direct result of the sexual liberation of the late sixties?! Do you know a single thing about the past?)

And footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face

(Because mud and long hair are the truest signs of masculinity right? What does this have to do with Punk Rock anyway?)

Why?

Much like the other completely worthless track on this list, the Crazy Frog (oh YES! I went there!), the key to Thom's success was not actually on any merits her song actually had (read: none) but once again on blanket marketing. The adverts for her song were completely inescapable. You ended up seeing it about a million times a day (conservatively estimated) and hearing her horrible whine of a chorus, like something out of a particularly stupid socialist's livejournal. Actually, that's giving her way too much credit, like she has actual beliefs and values of her own. It' more like one of those bandwagon jumpers who has no idea what socialism (or politics at all) means but knows that it's cool among her hipster group of friends to like it, so she does. Basically you were bombarded with stupid for long enough that your brain melted and you went out and bought it to try to make it go away.

Essentially I'm saying that despite the pandering to luddite hipsterdom, she's as processed as the Crazy Frog. And under that context, it makes sense to blanket market her and allow stupid people to genuinely believe the shit she's spewing, completely blissfully ignorant (or can you only be that in the sixties Sandi?) to the utterly hypocritical nature of the lyrics.

Right, I've got to move on before this song starts to cause permanent damage. And to hopefully make up for this, we're ending on a triumphant note.

1: Killing in the Name – Rage Against The Machine (2009)

What?

Oh hell yes, nineteen years after the release of their first album, Rage Against the Machine got a number one in the UK with one of their most enduring songs, most of the people reading this probably already know the song and the story behind its well deserved but belated success, but for you who don't understand the significance, here's a recap of the pop landscape at the end of the naughties.

From the creation of the hugely popular and hugely influential talent contest The X Factor, there was a sort of monopoly on the record industry and the charts. Basically, the masses of exposure and the framing of the winner's “story” as a journey though adversity, the winner of the contest each year was pretty much given on a golden plate a Christmas number one single. Yes, no matter how bad the singer, how uninspired the choice of song or even how disrespectful the cover version was, the Christmas number one each year was some kind of irrelevant processed ballad, which felt more devoid of emotion than a cardboard cut out of Keanu Reeves and had barely any more singing talent. For six years this was the case, six years of hurt.

In 2009, a last minute campaign to get something else to number one was hatched, the managers picking Killing in the Name as an appropriately anarchic song, essentially screaming the mantra of all those sick and tired of the endless manufactured pop. “Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!”

The campaign picked up momentum despite a lot of cynicism and conspiracy theories surrounding the fact that both Simon Cowell's record label and RATM's were both imprints of Sony BMG. With that, all eyes were on the Christmas charts, would Rage finally be able to stop the torment of a mediocre male singer and his Miley Cyrus cover?

Most Ridiculous Part?

That the campaign worked! Killing in the Name was the fastest selling downloaded single in history and the first Christmas number one to succeed purely though downloads. So what if McElderry managed to get the number one the very next week, for one brief shining moment, the people had spoken. Democracy had worked because the apathetic stood up.

Why?

Usually I'd have some cynical reason for the success of a song, but for something like this, maybe people are just awesome after all...